Caution ! Please note that some of these jokes may be ( or be interpreted as ) insulting to some people. If you can't live with this, please don't read these jokes. ::-)
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The Five Stages of Drinking
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"
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The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
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Girlspeak To English Dictionary
Common phrases...
She says English
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'll better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
She says English
The same old thing. Nothing
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.
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Children's Books That Were Banned Last Year
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Maybe Dick
The Boy Who Ate Spinach...And Lived To Tell About It
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
Those Great Childhood Fragrances...Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
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The Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
..but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
I've never done anything like this before
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new <hat/haircut/dress/suit...>!
..then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
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Employee Evaluation
Name: ________________________ Date: __________________
Position: ___________________
Knowledge:
[ ] The Son of a Bitch Really Knows His Shit!
[ ] Knows Just Enough To Be Dangerous.
[ ] Only Has Half a Brain and is Dangerous.
[ ] Fucking Brain Damaged, His Coffee Cup Has a Higher IQ.
Accuracy:
[ ] Does Excellent Work If Not Pre-occupied With Pussy.
[ ] Pretty Good; Only Occasionally Blows it Out His Ass.
[ ] Has to Take His Shoes Off To Count Higher Than Ten.
[ ] Couldn't Count His Balls And Get The Same Number Twice.
Attitude:
[ ] Extremely Cooperative (If You Kiss His Ass Daily).
[ ] Brown Noser In Good Standing.
[ ] Often Pisses Off Co-Workers, Thinks He Owns the Damn Place
[ ] Doesn't Give A Shit, Never Did, Never Will.
Reliability:
[ ] Really A Dependable CockSucker.
[ ] Works So Hard That He Has To Take An Extra Day Off Each Week.
[ ] Can Rely On Him To Be The First One Out The Door.
[ ] Totally Fucking Worthless.
Appearance:
[ ] Extremely Neat, Even Combs His Pubic Hair.
[ ] Looks Great On His Days Off.
[ ] Dirty, Filthy, Smelly Son Of a Bitch.
[ ] Flies Leave Fresh Dog Shit To Follow Him.
Performance:
[ ] Goes Like A Son Of A Bitch...If There's Money In It For Him.
[ ] Does All Kinds of Good Shit At Evaluation Time.
[ ] Works Well After An Enema.
[ ] Couldn't Do Less If He Were In A Coma.
Leadership:
[ ] Carries A Chain saw And Gets Good Results.
[ ] Macho Attitude, Commands Total Disgust.
[ ] Dog Fasted For Three Day Last Time He Brought Home Pork Chops.
[ ] Mother Teresa Told Him to Get Fucked.
I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE BEEN COUNSELED AND UNDERSTAND MY RIGHTS UNDER THE PRIVACY ACT OF 1974. I FURTHER ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM FUCKED UP AND WORTHLESS AS A FOOTBALL BAT, AND I WILL MAKE SOME KIND OF ATTEMPT TO CORRECT MY OBVIOUS DEFICIENCES.
Employee Signature (If He Can Write)
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GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING DICTIONARY
CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.
PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.
STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
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Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delagates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
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Thus Spake Gates
In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good.
And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace.
But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the
intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better
Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was wrathful.
So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad.
So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it right this time, yet they did not.
Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell.
And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.
And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificient version made, and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.
Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly.
And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone before, set about building a great Hype.
Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great city.
And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy.
Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill.
And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of Next Time.
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Hunting Elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.
If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
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Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying,
"Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
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This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're too tired."
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A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!"
These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the street."
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Drivers Education Exam Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
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Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
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Glossary of Computer Terms
640K barrier: the finish line in a mega-marathon
access time: foreplay
analog: what Ana tosses into the fire
assembly language: put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...
audit trail: what the IRS does
Bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage
Battery Backup: going in reverse in a golf cart
BBS: t-telling t-tall s-stories
benchmark: what happens when your saw hits the bench
broadband: an all female rock group
cache memory: remembering how much you spent
carrier detect: "I see the mail man!"
CASE: 24 bottles
Control Character: prison guard
conventional memory: remembering what you did at COMDEX
copy protection: wearing a rubber
copyright: vs. copy wrong
cursor: a garbage mouth
daisy chain: a dog's leash
DAT: the opposite of DIS
deadly embrace: making love to King Kong
delimiter: some who says, "Stop, that's enough"
density: how to measure IQs of blondes
dhrystones: the stones that were tossed out of the water
DIP switch: how my sister gets a new boy friend
dot pitch: "Dorothy winds ups, and delivers a knuckle ball"
EDCDIC: similar to herpes
EMS: happens just before PMS
end user: a prisoner's cell mate
escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut throw fence...
Ethernet: used to catch Ether
fixed disk: a broken disk that comes back from the shop
flash EPROM: what they have on 90210 (Flashy Proms)
flat bed scanner: a hooker looking for loose change
flat file: a file with all the air out of it
full duplex: a 2-family house with 16 occupants
groupware: clothes swapping
hacker: a heavy smoker
half-height drive: a midget's sexual capacity
hand scanner: singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings
heap: what I drive
high density diskette: a very stupid floppy
home computer: what you tell your computer when it follows you
hypertext: text on amphetamines
ink jet: a plan used for sky writing
integrated circuit: a circuit with black & white components
joystick: (requires little explanation)
local bus: stops at every intersection
lost chains: euphoria experienced by the recently divorced
low-level language: for basement programmers
high-level language: for penthouse programmers
machine dependency: an affliction of machine users
mag tape: tape used on the wheels of cars
mainframe: akin to "main squeeze"
main memory: remembering where the water line is
math coprocessor: the person you cheated from in math class
megaflop: the worst play you ever saw
minicomputer: the pier to Mickey's computer
modem: what the gardener did to the lawns
multi-sync: can be sunk more than once
native mode: head hunting
on-line: where the birds sit
overlay: chickens making too many eggs
pentium: the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock
plotter: a deceitful person
postscript: grafitti on a pole
protected memory: remembering to wear a condom
record locking: what you do to your Beetle White Album
right justified: vs. wrongly justified
software piracy: stealing a ship's program
spreadsheet: a hooker's foreplay
streaming tape: party decorations
subroutine: not quite routine
surge protector: a condom
token ring: a group of people passing the bong
trackball: what sprinters and runners often get
twisted pair: tubes tied
word wrap: black music
worksheet: a prostitutes office
Ymodem: because, modem
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition Of Politics
Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Dad: Sure son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.
The next morning...
Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excuses For Missing Work
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Windows 95 Will Be the Coolest Ever
WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guyspeak to English Dictionary
What guys say... What they mean...
It is just orange juice, try it 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her She won't blow me
I need you My hand is tired
I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all week
I really want to get to know you better ...so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends ? Is my penis really that small?
You're the only girl I've ever cared about You are the only girl who has not rejected me
I want you back ...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much together If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on
The break-up should not start for another 24 hours I want to have sex a few more times
I am different from all the other guys I am not circumsized
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CREATION
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%>Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%>God
#Enter password.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged = fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%>Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to be a Pest by Modem
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:
*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Windows95 Source Code
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE; break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work"); ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem); break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break; say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks); marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Quickie
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. MATHEMATICS
* Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion... with confidence.
* Surely _statistics_ is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion... with 95% confidence.
* Mathematics is the systematic misuse of a nomenclature developed for that&127; specific purpose.
* Most prime numbers are even.
Proof: pick up any math text and look for a prime number. The first one you find will probably be even.
* Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
* Mathematicians have announced the existence of a new whole number which lies between 27 and 28. "We don't know why it's there or what it does," says Cambridge mathematician, Dr. Hilliard Haliard, "we only know that it doesn't behave properly when put into equations, and that it is divisible by six, though only once."
* "The number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
* A student was doing miserably on his oral final exam in General Toplogy (yes, this guy _really_ did give oral finals in topology). Exasperated by the student's abysmal performance up to that point, the professor asked the student "So, what _do_ you know about topology?" The student replied, "I know the definition of a topologist." The professor asked him to state the definition, expecting to get the old saw about someone who can't tell the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. Instead, the student replied: "A topologist is someone who can't tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, but who can tell the difference between his ass and _two_ holes in the ground."
The student passed.
* mathematician's PICK UP LINE
Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math? We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply! Of course, we'll be entirely discrete.
* How do you teach mathematics to a woman
Look for the tan line
subtract her pants
stack her on the bed
divide her legs
calculate the distance
arc her back
add a length
function properly
provide constant movement
give her a square root
turn her over for a reverse polish notion
gradiently increase the integer
round the remainder
fill the pi
hope she doesn't multiply
log the event
sine on the dotted line
get her to cosine
profit from the experience
base the result on an exponent
1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but
they are removable!
2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious
colleague:
Do you believe in one God?
Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism!
3. What is a compact city?
It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What quantity is represented by this ?
/\ /\ /\
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/______\ /______\ /______\
|| || ||
|| || ||
A: 9, tree + tree + tree
Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?
A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ?
A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Los Angeles High School Math Exam
1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?
2. Paul has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells 10 grams to Jackson for $820, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the&127; balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen two BMWs and three 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
4. If the contents of an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is eight square feet, how many letters can a teenager spray with eight cans of paint?
5. Hector got six girls in his gang pregnant. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 6. Kathy gets $125 for sneaking an illegal alien across the border from Mexico. She sneaked three illegals over the border every night for six days but then one of them ripped her off for $500. How much money does she have left?
7. Byron can trade $150 worth of food stamps for two tickets to a Lakers regular season game. If a play-off game costs 20 percent more, how many play-off tickets can he get for $500 in food stamps?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
School Math Proficiency Exam
1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?
Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he will have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he will have completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when he has to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the homeboys with the UZIs' make Swiss cheese out of him.
2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85 apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable Economics Test.
3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Ron can pay for his $800 per day crack habit.
800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with Pony from Question #2.
4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will she need?
If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, she will need 20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.
5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
Blade has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a really def low-rider.
6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott free.
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin' skull.
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in actuality, Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.
9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to make $250.
Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.
10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his young 14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his girlfriend in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal? Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.
Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making his girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A commentary on the teaching of mathematics, sent in by James Jackson of Carlisle, Ind., appeared in "Echoes" (winter 1994), published by Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology, Terre Haute, Ind. "Echoes" took it from the 1993-94 issue of "21st Century" (not otherwide identified). The commentary takes the form of a series of story problems:
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?
In 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinalitiy of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of points?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
In 1990 (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
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- In the Garden of Eden, God is giving Adam a geometry lesson: "Two parallel lines intersect at infinity. It can't be proved but I've been there."
- If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!
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Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
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Vectors...
Did you know that...
most vectors are pointing vectors, but the Poynting vector is NO pointing vector (cross product E x B, so it has a screw sense)?
the Killing fields are not made out of Killing vectors?
Manfred Eigen didn't invent the eigenvector?
Isn't it also a fact that Wilder knots are a particularly bad class of wild knots?
And Moore chaos is more chaotic than oridinary chaos?
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Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?
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question: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.
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A guy was fucking his sister one day.
When it was all over, his sisters moans, "Gosh! You're even better than Dad!".
Brother replied : "Yeah, I know, that's what Mum says too!"
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Engineers, Scientists, and Mathematicians, Take Two
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."
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Theorem : All positive integers are equal.
Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B,
A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
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Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
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Theorem: 1$ = 1c.
Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing...
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
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Theorem: In any finite set of women, if one has blue eyes then they all have blue eyes.
Proof. Induction on the number of elements.
if n= or n=1 it is immediate.
Assume it is true for k
Consider a group with k+1 women, and without loss of generality assume the first one has blue eyes. I will represent one with blue eyes with a '*' and one with unknown eye color as @.
You have the set of women:
{*,@,...,@} with k+1 elements. Consider the subset made up of the first k. This subset is a set of k women, of which one has blue eyes. By the induction hypothesis, all of them have blue eyes. We have then:
{*,...,*,@}, with k+1 elements. Now consider the subset of the last k women. This is a set of k women, of which one has blue eyes (the next-to-last element of the set), hence they all have blue eyes, in particular the k+1-th woman has blue eyes.
Hence all k+1 women have blue eyes.
By induction, it follows that in any finite set of women, if one has blue eyes they all have blue eyes. QED
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Methods of Mathematical Proof
This is from _A Random Walk in Science_ (by Joel E. Cohen?):
To illustrate the various methods of proof we give an example of a logical system.
THE PEJORATIVE CALCULUS
Lemma 1. All horses are the same colour.
(Proof by induction)
Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same colour. Let us assume the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same colour and use this to imply that k+1 horses are the same colour. Given the set of k+1 horses, we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same colour, by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k horses, by hypothesis, are again the same colour. We repeat this until by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same colour. It follows that since every horse is the same colour as every other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are the same colour.
Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
(Proof by intimidation.)
Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is cer-tainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite num-ber of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another colour, and by the lemma that does not exist.
Corollary 1. Everything is the same colour.
Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the uni-versally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is the same colour,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything' without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is anything, x is the same colour.'
Corollary 2. Everything is white.
Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any parti-cular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same colour' is true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Ele-phant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything is white.
Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite number of limbs.
Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the conse-quent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not exist.
We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs, an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.
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it's like the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap.
"Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat in too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."
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A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin):
" Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
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There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."
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A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?"
Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
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A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.
He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"
The person responds "In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at Atlanta International.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the IBM building."
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.
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A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets empty...
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What is the difference between an applied mathematician and a pure mathematician?
Suppose a mathematician parks his car, locks it with his key and walks away. After walking about 50 yards the mathematician realizes that he has dropped his key somewhere along the way. What does he do? If he is an applied mathematician he walks back to the car along the path he has previously traveled looking for his key. If he is a pure mathematician he walks to the other end of the parking lot where there is better light and looks for his key there.
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A student, working on a rather long math homework assignment, discovered that one problem was fairly easy to solve, except that it required about three pages of fairly simple proof after the one or two difficult steps. It being rather late at night, he did the difficult steps and left the proof undone, along with a note:
"This proof is left as an exercise for the grader."
Next week, he received his homework back. He noted that several extra pages had been stapled to the back of it. Examining the extra pages, he was surprised to find the entire proof written down step-by step.
At the end, in red pen, the grader had written:
"I made a minor math error. Minus 2."
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A psychology prof once had the following question on his exam : "Ask yourself a question and answer it"
Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation [* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]" and proceeded to solve it.
The next day I stopped by the math office to see one of the profs. He told me "Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych. exam".
I got full credit, and the psych prof. never put that question on an exam again.
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The typical problem, show <expr> is equal to <much simpler expr>. The math was pretty nasty, and half-way through it looked like I'd need a clue to getting to the answer, so I went to the result and tried to work it back to the intermediate result (typical test/homework trick). They didn't meet. I had two expressions which I knew were equal from plugging into the calculator, but I couldn't show it algebraically. So, I used another familiar trick, between the two lines I wrote: ICBS (it can be shown) and stuck it between the two pieces I couldn't connect.
Now, somebody else in the class did the same thing, exactly, and got stuck in exactly the same place. He wrote: TAMO (then a miracle occurs) in the same place.
I got full marks, he lost marks and got a sarcastic comment from the corrector.
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Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
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Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed of light.
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"You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper ?"
1: He answered: "Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down 'till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string".
The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:
"Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics ?"
2: "Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground......"
3: "Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top......"
4: "Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper....."
5: "walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells."
6: "Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say 'Please, Mr Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building ?"
7: To which the less polite alternative is to threaten to wallop the caretaker with the barometer unless they tell you how high the building is.
8: Use the barometer as a paperweight while examining the building plans.
9: Sell the barometer and buy a tape measure.
10: Use a barometer to reflect a laser beam from the top and measure the travel time.
11: Track the shadow of the building positioning a barometer on the ground every hour.
12: Create an explosion on the top and measure the time for the pressure depression indicated on the barometer.
13: Here's one no-one seems to have thought of :
1) Build a sandpit (full of sand, OK?) at the bottom of the building.
2) Rake the sand flat.
3) Drop the barometer from the top of the building into the sand.
4) Measure the average diameter of the crater thus created.
5) From the answer to (4), the mass of the barometer and the properties of the sand (viscosity?) calculate its impact speed and thus the height from which it was dropped.
Also has the advantage that you may get your barometer back intact if:
a) The building is small.
b) The sand is soft.
c) The barometer is light and strong.
P.S. Watch out for wind-affected drops hitting pedestrians from tall buildings...
14:
1) Borrow one of those fancy two channel digital oscilloscopes from somebody's lab when they aren't looking.
2) Connect a microphone to each channel. Place one microphone on ground level. Call it "A".
3) Place other microphone "B" at top of building, directly over the first microphone. Note that you may need a lot of cable.
4) Place barometer as close to A as possible.
5) Set scope to trigger on channel A.
6) Whack barometer once with hammer or suitable object. The purpose of this is to make a nice, sharp impulse.
7) Measure the difference in arrival time of the impulse in each channel.
This is how long it took the sound to travel to the top of the building. The speed of sound is approximately 1 foot per millisecond under most conditions, so we can find the distance travelled by the pulse and thus the height of the building.
15: Drop the barometer off the building onto someones head, killing them outright. Wait for the next day's papers and read the part where is says "A man (39) was killed yesterday when a scientist (26) dropped a barometer from the top of an [x] foot building".
16:
1) Make sure your barometer contains alcohol[1].
2) Spill the alcohol over a heap of wood, paper and other inflammable stuff in the cellar of the building in question.
3) Ignite.
4) Get out.
5) Listen to a local station on your radio.
6) If all works fine, you will hear a message like
"A fire broke out in the <actual height of building> feet tall <insert building name> in <insert adress of building> ..."
17:
1) Beat on the foundation of the building, using the barometer, until the building comes crashing down.
2) Any sizeable pieces should be pulverized into pebbles and dust.
3) The height of the building should be zero. If not, repeat step 2.
This method may require more than one barometer. Make sure that you buy the same kind, for a more scientific study.
18:
1. Look for Godzilla.
2. Wait until he stand before the building.
3. Poke him with the barometer in the, eh, backside.
4. YEOWCH!SLAM!PLOFF!
5. Now that the house is overturned (I think you call it a "flat" :-) , the task has turned into measuring the length, which is much more convenient.
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Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?
Answer: The moon, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.
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THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON (with unhappy ending)
One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
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For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.
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Santa slides down a chimney at the first house, and while he is leaving presents, a little boy comes in the room and offers him milk and cookies. Santa shakes his head, reciting:
"Ho-ho-ho, Santa's gotta go.
Got lots of presents for boys and girls, you know!"
Next house, down the chimney again, and as he is putting out the presents, an old lady shows up and offers him more cookies and milk. Once again, Santa recites:
"Ho-ho-ho, Santa's gotta go.
Got lots of presents for boys and girls, you know!"
At the third house, after sliding down the chimney again and delivering the goodies, Santa is surprised by a gorgeous woman dressed only in a see-through negligee, who hands him a drink and invites him to stay awhile. Santa looks her over thoughtfully, and recites:
"Hey-hey-hey, Santa's gonna stay.
Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
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The French premier's wife who was asked what she most wanted in the
whole world and answered 'A Penis'
After an embarrassed pause, someone suggested 'I think you will find it's pronounced 'happiness'.
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Paddy and mick were walking down the road and saw two boys on a bridge. the one boy was hanging upside down and the other was holding him by his ankles. while paddy and mick were still trying to figure this out, the boy who was upside down shouts "pull me up!" and when he comes up he has caught a fish. Paddy and mick think this is a GREAT idea and at the next bridge decide to give it a try.
Paddy is hanging by his ankles and mick is holding him when Paddy yells "pull me up!". Mick asks "Have you got a fish?" to which Paddy replies "No, theres a train coming."
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Two fellows came upon a mine shaft out in the hills. "How deep do you think it is?" Asked one. "Gosh, I don't know," answered his pal. "let's drop a stone in and listen for it to hit the bottom." They did. They waited, but there was no sound They found a larger rock and threw it in. Still nothing. A short distance away, they spotted an old railway tie. Each lifted an end, and with great effort they dropped it in. Still no sound!
As they waited, a goat ran right between them and jumped into the hole. They were there scratching their heads when a third fellow came along and asked, "Have you seen a goat?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," replied the first guy. "We just had a goat run past us and jump into that hole!" "Oh, it couldn't have been my goat," said the third fellow.
"Mine was tied to a railway tie."
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The american tourist got the shock of his life, when a Mexican with a 6 shooter,jumped out from behind a cactus.
"Take my money,my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say,"said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked the tourist did what he was told.
"Right ,now do it again" said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort and fell exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican,"now you give my sister a ride to the next village."
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Farmer John's Pigs
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered"okay" and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
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An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
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A friend of mine has a theory about things electronics : they operate on smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets out, the part is no longer functional. This is true: how many times have you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has been emitted?
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Q : How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q : How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A : One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
Q : How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q : How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : None. Fruit flies don't screw in light bulbs they screw in fruit
Q : How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.
A : Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
Q : How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A : They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q : How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A : If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
Q : How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Q : How many elves does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A : Elves don't screw in light bulbs. They wait for Santa to leave and then they fuck in his bed.
Q : How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A : None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q : How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A : None. That is what their students are for.
Q : How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A : Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q : How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q : How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Q : How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q : How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q : How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : Two and a professor to take credit.
Q : How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
Q : How do you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia?
A : They make you an offer that you can't understand.
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There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'.
Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.
He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.
He continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book again:
'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.
Finally he chops off the last leg. He puts the frog on the line and teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!". The frog doesn't move. "Jump frog, jump!!!". Again the frog stays on the line. "Come on frog, jump!". But to no avail.
The biologist finally writes in his book: 'Frog with no legs - goes deaf'
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A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if they'd read the assigned text. He asked Miss Smith to stand. She does.
Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?
Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.
Proessor: Miss Smith, please sit down. Miss Jones, please stand and tell me if you know what part of the human body increases ten times when excited.
Miss Jones: Yes, Professor. It's the pupil of the eye.
Professor: Very good. Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down. Miss Smith, will you please stand again. (She does) I have three things to say to you.
1. You have not done your homework
2. You have a very dirty mind.
3. You're in for a big disappointment.
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A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
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A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person. He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer, or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the applicants were male. The businessman devised a test.
The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall, lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said, "You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach the end, you may kiss our model."
The mathmatician explained how he would never get there in a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself. Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful woman and kissed her.
Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch. "What was that about?" she cried.
"Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change it!"
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Several students were asked the following problem:
Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."
Statistician: 100% of the sample 5, 13, 37, 41 and 53 is prime, so all odd numbers must be prime.
Measure nontheorist: there are exactly as many odd numbers as primes (Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1).
Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization?
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ...
9/3 is prime
11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ...
15/3 is prime
17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ...
21/3 is prime
Quantum Physicist: All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed.
Chemist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime.. that's enough."
Chemist: 1 prime, 3 prime, 5 prime...hey, let's publish!
Cosmologist: 3 is prime, yes it is true....
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right."
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not working, fetch toolbox.
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime... [Continue until told to go home by others]
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computer scientist: I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...."
Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, segmentation fault. core dumped.
Computer Scientist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime... Bus error. Core dumped.
The computer programmer method is:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is ..."
Opps, let's try that again:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is ..."
Um, right. Okay, how about this:
"3 is not prime, 5 is not prime, 7 is not prime, 9 is not prime..."
So much for the beta releases. Ship this:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a feature, 11 is prime..." and put on the cover "More prime numbers than anyone else in the industry!"
Coming soon:
"3 is a prime, 4 is a feature, 5 is a prime, 6 is a feature, 7 is aprime,
8 is not yet implemented, 9 is our backwards compatibilty module, ..."
Computer Scientist: 10 prime, 11 prime, 101 prime...
Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the next release, ...
C programmer: 03 is prime, 05 is prime, 07 is prime, 09 is really 011 which everyone knows is prime, ...
BASIC programmer: What's a prime?
COBOL programmer: What's an odd number?
Windows programmer: 1 is prime. Wait.
Mac programmer: Now why would anyone want to know about that? That's not user friendly. You don't worry about it, we'll take care of it for you.
Bill Gates: 1. No one will ever need any more then 1.
TRS-80 Computer Programmer: One is prime, Two is prime, Three is prime, Out of Memory.
Computer Scientist with a Pentium: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 6.9999978 is prime...
Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof:
1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
Confused Undergraduate: Yes, it's true. Proof: Let p be any prime number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. QED
Linguist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 aaah. I can make 9 a prime.
Linguist: are you lot going to shut up and buy me a beer or not?
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Philosopher : why don't we just call all the odd numbers prime and call all the prime numbers odd, that way all the odd numbers would be prime
Philosopher: 3 is prime. Hum, thats an interesting statment, I'll get one of my research students to look into that.
Theologian: 3 is prime and that's good enough for me!
Theologian: Now after all before God all numbers even, odd and prime are created equal.
Christian: I'm sure the Bible says that all odd numbers are prime.
Pope: 9 is prime. If you think otherwise, prepare to be damned
The Psychiatrist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime but trying to supress it, 11 is prime......
Sociologist: 3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime.
Politician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, 11 is prime -- we can ignore 9 because the primes have a majority.
Corrupt Politician: For a sufficent donation, 9 can be reclassified
Manager: 3 yes, 5 yes, 7 YES, 9 Now let's take a positive attitude here
New Yorker: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
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A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"
The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"
The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
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A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
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When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
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A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height of a flag pole using a long tape measure. The mathematician takes the tape measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A short way up, he slips and falls down.
The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes. He leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up. He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also slips and falls.
While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their problem. The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole. He turns the crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist: 'It is 15 meters.'
As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician looks at the physicist and says: 'Isn't that just like an engineer? You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length.'
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There is a glass half full of water:
Mathmetician: the glass is half full
Physist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: the glass is too big
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A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked:
"Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg. How many legs does a horse have?"
The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer says "But you can't do that!"
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If it moves it is biology,
if it stinks it is chemistry
if it does not work it is physics.
If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology.
If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it causes cancer in laboratory animals, it's pharmacology or nutrition.
If it's just plain wrong, it's education.
If it crashes, it's either engineering or CS.
If it falls on itself, smashing a hundred cars, it's civil engineering.
If it fails to distribute the middle term, it's theology.
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In a high-level math class a prof gave a final with one question:
"Write a suitable final exam for this class (also supply a key)".
A student simply repeated the question and added "If this final exam is good anough for prof. <insert name of prof>, it's good enough for me"
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In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." ......
As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and this time he has a diploma in his paw.
The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see an enourmous mean-looking lion sitting next to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox.
The moral of this story is:
It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that counts.
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MURPHY'S LAWS
THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will.
2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in the same direction.
16. In any given